Standing in knee-deep snow outside a non-descript government annex on Friday, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt informed a handful of shivering reporters that the United States will impose 100% tariffs on all Canadian goods if the nation does not immediately “do something” about the cold air masses crossing the northern border.
“The President is committed to protecting our borders,” Leavitt said. “First it was the fentanyl, then the rapists and murderers, now they’re letting in deadly cold air. Canadians continue to prove their complete lack of control over their own borders. We will not allow our neighbors to weaponize these weather systems any longer.”
“If they want to send us their freezing temperatures, they can pay for the privilege,” Leavitt added. “The President expects results within the next 48 hours. We are prepared to tax every Canadian product until the temperature reaches a fair and reciprocal level.”
Upon concluding the statement, Leavitt did not immediately return to the building. Instead, she was seen walking several yards away to a large, undisturbed snowbank. Witnesses reported that the Press Secretary sat directly into the snow and buried her face in her hands.
A reporter nearby overheard Leavitt whispering to herself, “I can’t keep doing this. I literally cannot keep doing this.”