The new Barbie is set to release next month, and will feature all the components of classic Barbie with the addition of a crooked smile, a unibrow, an animal-themed backpack, and an accompanying human leash.
Following Mattel’s announcement, RFK Jr. held a press conference at the White House later that afternoon, declaring that the new doll is “blasphemous” and “a result of a Tylenol overdose.”
The Health and Human Services Secretary later added that he would release the world’s first “normal doll,” which would resemble a beautiful, aryan woman with an unattainable body shape.
The “normal” doll would be designed to constantly side-eye Mattel’s “Autism Barbie,” and feature a voice box with pre-programmed phrases like:
“Mom, why does she act like that?”, “Excuse me, why do you keep shaking your hands?”, and “Please never go in public again.”
The dolls are set to be released at the same time next month, battling for space on the shelves at Target, Walmart, and ToysRUS.