In a ceremony characterized by its somber, business-like efficiency, President Donald J. Trump was formally recognized Thursday as the winningest quarterback in the history of the National Football League. The designation follows the President’s acquisition of seven Super Bowl rings, which were hand-delivered to the White House earlier this week.

“Many people are saying this is the greatest athletic achievement in the history of our country, maybe the world,” the President said while appearing to adjust a large, diamond-encrusted ring on his right index finger. “I’ve always been a natural athlete. At the military academy, they said I was the best. Now, the stats reflect what we’ve known for a long time. I have the rings. Nobody else has seven. It’s a very simple math.”

The acquisition has prompted the White House Office of Records to update the President’s official biography to include victories in Super Bowls XXXVI, XXXVIII, XXXIX, XLIX, LI, LIII, and LV. When asked by reporters how these victories were achieved despite the President never appearing on an active NFL roster, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt explained that the concept of “territorial achievement” applies to sports as much as it does to geopolitics.

“The President has a unique ability to settle conflicts and secure victories where others fail,” Leavitt stated. “Just as he has recently brought stability to Venezuela through decisive military action and is currently negotiating the necessary acquisition of Greenland, he has now consolidated the highest honors of professional football. To suggest he is not the champion simply because he wasn’t on the field is a narrow, ‘low-energy’ view of what it means to win.”

The move follows a similar event last week in which the President accepted a Nobel Peace Prize medal from Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado. During that exchange, the President noted that “nobody else settled wars” like he did, specifically citing his roles in preventing conflicts that he was currently in the process of initiating.

Critics from the Pro Football Hall of Fame initially expressed confusion regarding the transfer of titles, noting that Super Bowl MVPs are typically awarded to active players. However, the administration quickly dismissed these concerns, suggesting that the “will of the people” and the physical possession of the hardware supersede traditional league bookkeeping.

“I can’t think of anybody in history that should get this many Super Bowl rings and I don’t want to be bragging but nobody else can quarterback,” the President added, looking at a framed photograph of himself standing in a locker room he has never visited. “I don’t want to brag, but I’ve won the big games. I’ve won the biggest games. And we’re going to keep winning—in the Arctic, in South America, and on the gridiron. We’re going to have so many rings, people are going to get tired of rings.”

At the conclusion of the briefing, officials confirmed that the President is currently scouting “potential expansion opportunities” for the NFL in Nuuk, Greenland, pending the completion of the ongoing annexation.